Do cheating people change?

By | January 15, 2023

I want to talk about how infidelity changes the person who committed the infidelity. And where the silver lining is because it’s this of course. Is a difficult topic and it’s not at all that pleasant topic, but I have helped many individuals who were betrayed as well as who did the betrayal and I’ve helped many couples heal and become better. Infidelity is not a good thing. But I’ve seen people and relationships improve so that the better after they have learned and healed from the infidelity than before. I’ll talk about that towards the end. But let me first start about I have five ways I have come up with how infidelity changes the partner, who committed the betrayal. And I wrote a few notes.

How do people who are cheated on feel?

The person has the person who betrayed is overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and anxiety. Most of the people I see, they they have guilt and anxiety and not so shoe paths. So shoe paths are another subject for another day, but feeling the girl to be morse and shame as well as anxiety. I’ve seen people age during these times and age quickly because of the stress. This is not to stress you out if you are a person who cheated or you are a person who who is close to a person who has but it can do havoc with our system, increases our cortisol level and it can keep it raised because life is constantly a threat. What what will I get caught? And once I get caught, who will find out besides my partner and it’s just not, uh, not a great situation for the body. Um, again, it’s just one of the ways that people will change them and how it affects their life.

How to overcome stress?

It’s the stress of giving it of living a double life. Sometimes a person before they find out it’s very stressful to. So I have to hide it. It’s not easy. It ages people too, you know, when will my wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend find out. That’s really stressful constantly on the lookout and constantly have to hide and cover one’s tracks. It’s a stressful to live a double life and then even after a discovery, oftentimes the still somewhat of a double life I’ve had people where they stop the cheating, but they’re still paying the person ah because they felt responsible for them. You know, there are different things that happen to the person and it’s very stressful fun of a double life really is number three that despite sometimes having the escape. Let’s say ecstasy with this other person or a new partner. That person can still be filled with self loathing. And self-contempt, upon returning to reality, which is probably more of the time. For most people that are committing infidelity most of the time. They’re not escaping into their new person or a variety of new people. They are, you know, at work or at home or with children and they they oftentimes really hit themselves. Now we we want to change that. But I’m just saying that’s that’s what happens. Number four, the partner has to deal with the anger, the understandable anger of their partner. As well as sometimes in lawyers and possibly other close people in their circle. So that’s that’s another way it changes the person, whereas the you know, this person. Maybe they’ve had fights and they’ve bickered. But when the partner discovers that they’ve been cheated on it can they can become quite bitter and I have seen people that cheated on say I’ve never seen my partner like that. They see another another part of their partner come out. So it’s it’s really difficult. The way they they change it, you know, the way it changes you in that way because you’re exposed to this constant anger. And exposed to this constant judgment, not only of the partner. But again, it could be in those people look at you differently. Okay, so let’s look another one.

Relationships with kids

If you have children can change, that doesn’t mean they can’t heal. And one of the things I do is try to help. Families heal depending on the ages of the children. Sometimes the children know sometimes they know sometimes I’ve had situations where the teenage child and thinking of one case where they’re the ones that found out and told the mother about it. You know, it it can be repairable. But it does change the relationship? It can be quite it can be quite a strain on the relationship with the kids. And again, it adds to the stress and distress of the person who cheated and they have to deal with a permanently changed relationship. Again. It doesn’t mean that the relationships are doomed with their children. Nor does it mean that relationships are doomed with their in-laws or other wives or anybody else wife or husband. I should say It does it does change it permanently because. It’s just a scar. I would say that I have a scar here in my face and I’m still beautiful. You know we could deal and I’m not saying that you can’t have a wonderful relationship with people. Which I get to in a minute. But it does cause those five changes. So those are ways that it’s not it’s no picnic for the person who cheated. It’s really not sure the portrayed person has to deal with their pain and I’ve talked about that at length and probably will continue to but the person who did the cheating of infidelity to seek is the the holder of the secret is no picnic for them either. And that’s why it’s probably good to reach out before one cheats because there are other ways hopefully to deal with. Whatever the solution that you’re trying to solve with the infidelity. There might be better solutions that don’t cause so much distress for you, the cheater or the tray person or the children or anybody around you in your circle. So what do you do about it. You know obviously one of the things that we want to discuss. Is what to do about it. And again, in my last recording, I talked about how people ought to betray, how can how they could shift some of the pain and some of the self-doubt and all that into a positive. And with the person who committed the infidelity, it’s a wake up call and it’s time to take pay attention to to look at what is it that. Made me do it. There is a pause in one’s life. It’s actually a chance for you, the person who cheated to learn about you.

How to deal with infidelity?

A lot of times when people cheat they’re acting out a part of them, but not they don’t know very well. And it’s it’s important to so the opportunity is to learn about this part of you. I go I know you might judge yourself, but I’m curious about that part of you. Yes. Is that part of you that felt bad about and remorse. But this is that part of you that gene. The biggest civil mining is to learn about that part of you because there’s something important about that part of you. I’m not saying it’s it’s good the way you dealt with it, but I’m saying there’s something. I’ll say wholly a secret about this part of you, but we need to explore it. Infidelity comes from. A superficial understanding of ourselves. Oftentimes it comes from being unconscious and mindless. What we’re talking about is being aware. Mindful and conscious and tuning in and getting curious and learning about this and oftentimes with another person such as myself, a professional that can help you through that. So it can actually help you become a more solid person in the future. Someone who’s even more trustworthy. Uh, then you are even before the affair when it was just, you know, before the affair was discovered because you want that much more conscious, you have that much, many more choices about you. So it can be really helpful. And as you do that, of course, other things can change for the positive two. I’ve seen malicious, like I said earlier. Malicious can become far better than they were before the the discovery of the infidelity. So. The key ingredient here is you’re willing to grow a willing to grow up a willingness to pay attention and be curious about yourself. And instead of acting out to go, what is that about. And then ultimately every body who commits infidelity has to also make a choice just like the betrayed person. Do I really do, I want to do everything I can to make it work with my partner and. Have to deal with her or his anger? Or is this a sign that I need to move on. But I wouldn’t do it without learning about you. It’s always a point whether you decide to stay up to leave to learn more about who you are and what you’re about. That’s so crucial. You don’t want to do things in a reactive way and that’s the opportunity in crises. I’ve said this many times before and I’ll end with this that the chinese words for crisis is the chinese word for crisis is made up of two characters. One is a meaning by itself, danger and the other by itself means opportunity and you put it together. You have a crisis. Infidelity is a crisis. It’s just dangerous time. You don’t know what’s going to happen with your life. You don’t know what’s going to happen with your marriage, your family, but there are also an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to grow, to learn to be more curious to have a deeper relationship with yourself and ultimately. A deeper relationship with your partner and others are around you. So that’s what I wanted to say about that.

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