How To Fix A Relationship After Cheating? Best advices.

By | January 15, 2023

How to fix a relationship after cheating, well, I can tell you one thing for certain you absolutely can build a new and even better relationship after cheating, but you’ve got to follow some specific guidelines and I have about eight of them. I’m going to share with you right now. So let’s get to those eight guidelines. All right.

Find out how exactly you’ve benn cheated on

So the first thing is you’re going to you know if someone is cheated, you’re going to find out information about the affair or the cheating or whatever, you know. Don’t assume anything about it, but the the key the guideline I’m going to give you here is to stay out of the knitty gritty. It focusing on the details will cause you to put your energy into all the wrong things. The more you know the more you can picture create in your mind, those pictures never go away. They become harder to move past and if you you’ll find yourself just totally often obsessed with your partner and thinking about and what they did in the person and the thing in the this, it’s there’s no way obviously to move into a healthy space when that’s where your head is all the time. So it’s really important that if you’re the person who cheated or if the other one to give information that things get you know some clarity happens. Around what happened. But you can’t get into every little and then we did this and then we did that. It’s it’s not helpful. It’s not going to get anybody anywhere and it’s not good. And if if you’re finding that you maybe you’re the person who was cheated on and you are just overly focused on your partner.

Conversation is the key

Both of you have to be speaking. This also means you don’t want to I really don’t want you speaking for hours and hours about this and this again kind of goes into the first thing I mentioned, but this when people have these ten hour conversations. These five hour conversations that go on till two in the morning, there’s no good that’s coming from it. This is not healthy. Our brains just get so fatigued. We get so tired and things get said you might say it’s and now I didn’t mean it and then the partners like, yes, you did and, you know. It just makes it worse often. So if you’re finding yourself in that place. I really want you to stop the conversation and say, you know what we have to pick up on this tomorrow. There’s that old thing you know adage about don’t go to bed angry, but sometimes you need to sometimes you just need to separate and get some time apart and and then come back to it. All things do look different in the morning. It’s the truth every time. So and so when you’re going to really have a conversation means that both sides are speaking, right, everyone’s talking and you really need to listen to what your partner says in these conversations. You need to be listening. So again, whether or not you’re the one to cheat it or not, if your partner is the one who cheated, are they remorseful. Are they angry. Are they indifferent? Are they defensive, you know how they react will tell you a lot about how to move forward if it’s you that was cheated on how are you are you angry, resentful and remote? You know, where’s your stuff, it’s really important that you’re really listening to what the other person is saying. And trying to really hear that and feel what’s happening so that you can have a different conversation about it now. My next guideline number three is don’t allow yourself to be blamed. If the other person cheated, so, you know, we haven’t had sex in six months. What would you expect me to do. You know, but also take responsibility for your relationship being in this place. You cocreated this relationship with your partner and you have absolute responsibility. Both of you do both of you who have responsibility. It is a co creation when there’s cheating and again, I didn’t even get into what the cheating could look like. It could be for some people. It’s if their partner looks at pornography for other people as if their partner had sex with someone else, you know. For someone else it might be if they liked something on some pretty woman or handsome man’s instagram account. You know like to picture, it’s really about your relationship and what you constitute is cheating and marketing into that. But if you feel like you’ve been cheated on or if you feel like you have cheated because of that. Whatever that is, you again, both of you though need to take responsibility. It doesn’t matter which way again, no blame responsibility.

Take responsibility for your actions

So if you know and if you’re the one who cheated and your partner continues to blame you and you know to take no responsibility, then that’s a problem too. And now this, you know, if you we just found out you cheated yesterday and you know, today we’re talking about it. Yeah, your partner might not be all like. Oh yeah, I have responsibility too, but, you know, within the course of a reasonable amount of time there should be a space where the conversations are shifting to the relationship itself and what you have cocreated together and what needs to change. To move forward. So and I can’t say enough that often people really need professional help. I am not trying to get you to come to my office or anything. I you know, find call your insurance company, find who’s covered. You know, to talk to friends who have been through things like this, trust me. Someone has they might have a good referral. Um you know. Do the things you do any due diligence to find a good therapist that you can both feel good about and both feel like you can work towards something with. So yeah but both of you need to take responsibility or there’s not going to be any changes and you’re not going to move forward now whether you cheated or your partner did, I’d love for you to comment below this video and on one way you can take responsibility as you move forward and remember you know when you comment. It helps other people who might need inspiration or validation. You know I get great ideas from comments all the time. So please push through any hesitation you might have and let me hear your thoughts. I’d love to hear that below the video. So. Let’s get let’s get moving right up to number four now number four is the guideline for is is your partner willing to do anything different now? And again, I mean, both of you, whether the person who cheated or not, so it’s not just about. For example, the person that cheated saying they’re sorry, I’m moving on. It’s not just about the other person saying, oh, I forgive you and whatever I’m moving on. It it’s it’s more than that, you know what created the space that this happened and what’s going to be different now, what is going on in your relationship are either of you happy or either you happy, what’s what’s underneath this affair. Infidelity or whatever happened and it’s really important to to think about that. And again, it kind of goes with the previous guideline about taking responsibility. It’s it’s not just it’s not about the thing, you know. It’s not about the affair or whatever happened. It’s really about what’s underneath it and what was again cocreated in this relationship. That that this came out of that this sort of behavior came out of. That’s what you want to look at and really get clear about. Doing something different now is really going to be a lot about being able to build trust again with your partner obviously.

Don’t talk with many people about infidelity

But my fifth guideline is don’t speak to twenty different people about whatever the infidelity was. I see this so often and it creates so much trouble. You know, especially the one who was cheated on, well, often, you know, they’re they’re so angry. They want everyone angry at their partner and so they tell twenty different friends and family and everybody else. And then if you try to reconcile with your partner, everyone hates your partner. It’s very hard to move forward. So and and frankly, this is something private in the couple. This is something between the two of you. So I always tell people to pick one or two trusted people. That’s it who aren’t going to gossip about it. Who aren’t going to talk other places about it. And I’m really. Really hoping one of them is a good therapist. One of the two people you speak choose to speak to. Um but otherwise, again, you’re going to speak to twenty different people. You’re going to get twenty different responses and it’ll be so confusing for you to try to figure out what to do because you are having so much different feedback and so many different ideas about what should happen. So I want to be really clear. Speak to one or two and that’s it if you’ve already made the mistake of you’ve already spoken to twenty stop, just stop and they can keep out. How’s that going. What’s happening, just say them, you know what. I kind of made a mistake. I talked to way too many people about this.

Don’t rush to make decisions

Now guideline number six is don’t make any long term decisions for at least thirty days if you know if if you’re starting to think I’m going to move out or he has to move out or she has to move out or this has to happen or whatever. Please, please just just stop, you know there could be a guest room, maybe you maybe don’t sleep in the same bed for a little bit or whatever, but. Don’t make any long term decisions for at least thirty days because there’s too much emotion. There’s too much going on. Ah jealousy is probably really huge and flying around um and resentment. You know, these really yucky emotions that are going to really eat at you and have you say things you might not mean long term and all that. So just slow the role you know. Slow it down and if jealousy, by the way, is overtaking you, I you can check out my video. I got videos and everything. We’re going to take that as a whole separate thing. And number seven is again kind of related to this, which is don’t cause more damage. All right, don’t cause more damage. And if you see all these guidelines kind of build on each other, you know if you’re speaking you know my earlier guideline about not talking, not speaking for eight hours about it, you’ll see that you’re going to cause a lot more damage often if you keep speaking and speaking and speaking about something and again, people get tired. They say things they don’t mean. They just get exhausted. They agree to things they don’t want to agree to all of it. It’s not it’s not good. So you know guidelines seven don’t cause more damage. I just you know people say like. I just want to make him hurt as much as he hurt me or or she just gave me a free pass to cheat. You know, now I can cheat, you know, don’t don’t cause more damage. It’s already here. We already had a lot of damage that this happened. So let’s you know let’s let’s roll it back, slow the roll. Let’s get to a different place. Okay. Number eight, unless you are your or your children, if you have children are in physical danger, you know ah indeed like physical danger, extreme emotional distress. Something like that unless something like this is happening, don’t let anyone tell you what to do. It you know. Because you’re going to get a suggestions from everybody. If if whoever you speak to. Makes any suggestions. You know, if the suggestions are well. You better leave her or you know. Forget it ever happen, move on whatever, then stop those talks. Therapists in general will not give you a suggestion like, oh. You should leave or you should this or you should that’s not what we do. We ask you questions so that you can figure out what you want to do and that’s really it whoever you’re talking to. Even if that is that one trusted best friend, if they’re saying, well, you’re going to have to go. You know, oh, he he cheated, that’s done. I. No. You want. Again, whoever you’re talking to to be asking you questions so you can decide with your own mind what’s right for you to do for you to do if they don’t do it, if they’re not asking you questions. I need you to ask yourself questions. You know really get in touch with what am I really feeling right now. You know what am I most afraid of right now? What are you most afraid is going to happen, you know what do you think this means, I have absolutely a thousand percent worked with couples who have had an infidelity and on the other side found more closeness, more intimacy. Everything that wasn’t there before. When they did the work, when they did the work to move forward, it’s incredible. You might have always said your whole life off my partner cheats on me. That’s it. I’m out, but then you’re that happens and you might find yourself, not you might find yourself thinking I don’t want to leave over this. You know, I want to work this out and maybe they’re right there wanting to work it out. Why would you throw away the whole relationship necessarily on this one thing and you might even think this is why you don’t make any major decisions for thirty days. You might even think in that moment I’m never going to be able to trust this person again. It’s never going to happen. You absolutely can learn to trust them again again. I have that video and trust, which you can see below, but you absolutely can. I’ve seen it. I’m telling you. I’ve been doing this thirty years, you know, I’ve been doing this so long, I’ve seen it over and over again, not only just trusting again, but having a whole new. And in many ways, the question can we rebuild the relationship isn’t isn’t even the right one because that’s saying like re means again, right? Like you’re going to go back to something and build for to me, it’s like you’re starting from this whole place, you know, often a infidelity or an affair. Whatever can really just burn the house down and now it’s time to build you know you have some foundation pieces left. That’s great. You know, some you got to build this puppy again and that’s a good thing. You can really build it on different assumptions, different shared interests. Different shared meaning about things. So really you want to have people ask me a question so you can really understand, am I staying at a fear, am I staying because I don’t think I can get better and I still you know what’s the thing? That’s really where you want to be right now and. You know, ultimately. Really what this boils down to is you need to figure out if your relationship is worth saving and there are some very specific things that go along with that that are really important. You you can’t move your relationship forward based on jealousy and anxiety and distrust and all that you can’t. So you’re going to have to go through these guidelines and really be open to what’s next. But the good news is you absolutely can build to something really amazing that you might have never even thought was possible before. But both people have to be on board for this. You know you both have to be coming together for this.

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