How to forgive cheating?

By | January 15, 2023

So today we’re going to talk about how to forgive cheating. I haven’t really talked about this much just out of respect and boundaries because when you’re in the public it gets a little dicey. But when my affair came out. If you don’t know, my affair partner was one of my wife’s closest friends. And when the affair was exposed, my affair partner immediately decided that she was going to protect herself and look out for herself and there’s no judgment in what I’m saying. I’m just giving you the story. And she made some very aggressive accusations. She lied, she did everything that she could to make herself look like the victim rather than a cooperating. Adult within the situation now there is no loaded statement there. I am not trying to make myself look better or alleviate myself from any responsibility. None of that. What I’m just simply expressing is it was really difficult for my wife to forgive her because of more collateral damage on top of just having an affair with me. There was an immense amount of trouble that was caused to. On top of what had already happened. There was lies, there was all kinds of deception. I don’t know how long but more time than would be appropriate for this to itemize out the false allegations that were leveled against me in an effort to make herself look like the victim and that created even more controversy between samantha and I because I had to answer a lot of questions that the average situation doesn’t have to deal with I had to really help samantha understand that what was being said was not true. And so I mean, it would make your head spin and I think it would trigger a lot of you and I don’t want to do that.

Why is forgiving so hard?

And so I just want you to understand it can be incredibly difficult to forgive the affair partner. In fact it can be easier to forgive your spouse than it is to forgive your affair partner. So what do you do, well, number one, you have to remember forgiveness is for you not for the affair partner. It’s about helping you set yourself free from the entanglement of bitterness and anger and resentment and just raw rage for what they have done and let me validate it. It’s understandable that you as a betrayed would absolutely hate and despise and wish amazing moments of torturing upon the affair partner. It’s completely realistic and an understandable the rage that you would feel now this is going to upset some of you. But here’s the thing. There’s a point where we as unfaithful shift from this you know perceived love and attraction and all of that stuff of our affair partner to absolute hate because of what they have now done to lie and to create all of these other issues that really are not true. Now you as the betrayed may say. Well, you made your bed so lie in it. It’s not necessarily true or fair because when we’re accused of doing things we did not do. And there are instances of you know violence or things of that nature. It’s understandable that we the affair part the unfaithful spouse would absolutely rage as well. And so this video is for you too, because you’re going to maybe for this unique situation, have to forgive that a fair partner for what they’ve done and the extra drama and collateral damage they’ve created. For you, I digressed for a minute there bringing it back. It’s absolutely essential to forgive. It’s not unrealistic and it’s not too much for me or for any professional to ask you to forgive your affair partner. It’s absolutely understandable because it will set you free. It will help you find freedom. It will help you find a new beginning.

Forgiveness is a choice

Remember, especially in this case, forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion, and your emotions are probably going to tell you that they don’t need forgiveness. They need anthrax. It’s understandable, but here’s some pointers to help you kind of move through this process. Rick suggested this. I was talking to him the other day and he said. One of the things that helps people is if you don’t come from faith, there’s a script. Some people would call it a mantra that you can say to yourself whenever you’re triggered, whenever you’re reminded whenever you’re moved to this point of anger and rage towards the affair partner, which is. I wish the best for them. I forgive them. I’m not going to hold this against them. They’re not in control of my life. I wish blessings and good fortune on them. If you come from faith, it may be like lord bless them, lord, help them lord, don’t give them what they deserve, give them what they need. I don’t know what they need, but lord help them. Bless them, take care of them. I know. Some of you just threw up that I would ask you to think pray. I’m telling you it’s part of the process you’re going to have to utilize because this is all about helping you get free. They’re they’re not your responsibility. They are not the unfaithful spouses responsibility. They are in their own world. It is not your job to care for them. This is all about helping you find freedom. There’s also this unique point that I’ll try and help people understand is. Some people say, well, I need an apology or I need. Restitution from them or I need vengeance upon them. The problem is number one, you still need something from them and whenever you need something from someone, you’re tied to them, we don’t want to be tied to the affair partner. We want to be free from the affair partner, unfaithful or betrayed. We want to be without any ties to them. For the rest of your time. So if you feel like you’re needing something from them, you’re continuing the bond. Even if that need is well, I need an apology or I need them to know no, no, no. Again, you’re needing something from them. You’re keeping a bond with them even though you may not see it that way. The best way to break free from them is to not eat anything from them at all and to be able to say I don’t eat anything from them.

Is it important to forgive?

And you may say, well I need them to stay the hell out of our life. I get that. I absolutely get that. We fail when we think we know what they need. We don’t know what they need. If you believe in god and come from faith, only god knows what they need if you don’t come from faith. Who are you to decide what they need, you don’t know and you don’t care. It’s time for you to move on. You don’t need to know what they need because as soon as you know what they need, you need them to do what you think they need to do again, you’re tied man. Freedom says, I don’t know what they need. I don’t care what they need. In my flesh or at my darkest hour, I know what they need, which is to be put through the wood chipper, I get it, but to help you heal, you’re going to have to surrender what you think they need. Honestly guys, you don’t know what they need. You don’t know if they need to move to. You know, another country you don’t know if they need to be ran over. You don’t know if they have a mental disability, you don’t know the best thing for you to do is focus on your own side of the street. Hope and pray that your spouse focuses on their side of the street. And to when the time is rise. Forgive the affair, partner. Here’s where it gets real. It took samantha longer to forgive the affair partner than it did to forgive me. And it was really difficult because of the violation that she felt from the affair partner and then when samantha was able to see that nothing of her false allegations were true. She had to work through another layer of forgiveness for that because that caused so much more pain and hurt and trauma for us. And so if you’re a betrayed spouse and it’s taking you longer to forgive the affair partner than it is to forgive your spouse, it’s completely understandable and it’s ok and you may need to not even worry about that for a while you may say, man, it’s been six months. We’re doing good. I think I need to really forgive the affair partner. I don’t know. Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t I don’t want you to create more drama for yourself than you’re ready to tackle. Maybe it’s one of those things where you say, look, I’m not ready to go there yet. I need to just focus on helping me deal with my trauma. That’s not necessarily related to unforgiveness towards the affair partner, but is related to trying to save my marriage and help myself heal. When the time is right, I’ll deal with the affair partner. But if you try and deal with the affair partner too soon, I think you are going to have to back up and probably move towards the morning and the grieving stage before you can get to the forgiveness stage and your plate may just be too full for that right now and that’s ok. There was a woman that came to the e.m.s. Weekend one time and she was really dealing with hatred towards unfaithful spouse. She was struggling to forgive her own spouse, but obviously she despised any unfaithful spouse. Saw them as just diabolical individuals and really felt hate in her heart. So she was nervous about being at the weekend because she was going to see them and be around people like that and she goes through the weekend and at the end of the weekend, she said something that was really telling, she said. You know, for so long. I have struggled with hatred towards any unfaithful spouse. I saw them as just. Horrible people, but going through these exercises and sitting in these sessions and just witnessing their behavior. Now, again, the qualifier is you know these were. Humble contract willing to get help on faithful spouses who had made terrible decisions but were trying to work on their own healing as well as take responsibility and help their betrayed spouse heel and she sat there and said you know for the first time. I see them as broken people. I don’t see them as monsters. I see them as broken people who need healing and I see them as broken people who have made terrible choices but yet are here trying to heal. This helps me in the way I see them in the in the way that I see my own spouse. And it helps me to forgive. Be a fair partner in my situation because it’s pretty obvious that the affair partner was a broken individual and yes, I’ve hated her, but this helps me begin to see her in a new light and want to extend mercy to her and compassion to her through the portal of forgiveness. And release my desire for vengeance and retribution upon her. That’s a pretty amazing story. Let me offer one disclaimer that I would never suggest that you try and restore the relationship with the affair partner, whether you’re the unfaithful, which is clearly obvious or whether you’re the betrayed that relationship. Is going to be severed. It’s not going to be safe. You can forgive without any form of relational reconciliation. Forgiveness is for you. I know that this is tough. I know that this is challenging. I know that you probably don’t want to hear this if you’ve lasted this long. I hope you will begin this journey of forgiving the affair partner not for them but for you and quite possibly your marriage.

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