How to forgive cheating? Is it possible?

By | January 15, 2023

If your spouse cheated on you, they’re in pain. And how to forgive cheating? You may thinking “How are they in pain?” I’m the one that got cheated on. But understand if they were in an affair or they’re in an affair now it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re in bliss or living high on the hog, like we say in the south. So your spouse is hurting. I know that you’re in pain as well. But one thing you got to pay attention to is that just because they cheated. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re happy all the time. You have to realize that most people don’t wake up in the morning and decide to have an affair. It’s something that happens over time. It’s an evolution.

Why do people cheat?

But one major thing in all affairs is this there’s something missing. Now it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have failed at meeting some type of need. Although that could be part of the problem, but it could be that they’re missing something in their past. Maybe their parents weren’t there for them or they experience some major pain where they didn’t get the love and the comfort that they needed as they walk through that pain or maybe they’re even in grief and that’s why they’re in this affair. But overall, there’s something missing. When there’s something missing, it creates a vulnerability for someone. And when somebody is vulnerable, they’re looking for somebody to understand them and to communicate with them and there could be many things going on in your life right now. You could be distracted by the kids or they could be stressed at work and maybe you don’t understand that there could be a lot of things going on that kind of creates the environment that makes the affair possible.

Is there my fault that I was cheated on?

I’m not saying that your spouses affair is your fault because it’s not. But we all contribute to the breakdown in a relationship that kind of creates the environment for the affair to happen. So because something is missing, it creates that vulnerability. Vulnerability turns into possibility when they begin to share about their pain or share about what’s missing with someone else. It could be somebody at work. It could be somebody at the gym. It could be somebody that met in the grocery store. But know that they’re in pain and so they begin to communicate about that pain with somebody else and that moves from possibility to probability once it becomes a possibility, they can begin to violate boundaries, share things that they shouldn’t share. They might actually feel good when they’re communicating with this other person or when they’re thinking of the other person when the other person text. So that moves them from possibility to probability. And once you get to profitability, you begin to invest more that relationship and before you know it the affair has become a reality. So now that the affair has become a reality. They are sharing their lives with this other person. They’re communicating with them. They are in a full blown relationship just because they’re spitting time with that person and they’re in a full blown relationship. It doesn’t mean that the pain isn’t there. It’s just masked by some other. I’m sure by now you’ve heard of the word limerence. Limerick is something that we go into when we meet somebody and we just have chemistry and body chemicals are firing off and making us feel good but the pain still is there. Sure, they have moments of ecstasy where dopamine is releasing in in their brain and they feel wonderful. But is followed by agony because many things have happened because of this relationship. If you think about it, they have violated their own belief system. Most people believe they have an affair is wrong, not everyone, but most people do. So they’re violating their own belief system. Which sends them into what we call cognitive dissonance, which is just disharmony within yourself. There’s war going on now if their family has found out about the affair, they also have the pain from knowing that they’ve hurt their family, their kids. Their wife, their their mother, their father, even their friends can be affected by this. And don’t believe just because they’re experiencing blissful moments with this person that at night when they lay their head on the pillow that they don’t think about the pain that they’ve cost because they do. And when we know that we’ve caused people pain, it causes pain within us.

How does a cheater feel?

So basically they’re miserable. No, not all the time, but there are many times when they’re miserable, especially as they come out of leverage because they begin to look at all the things that they gave up in order to be with this other person. Maybe your spouses affair has ended and now they’re going through grief. So not only do they have the pain from letting you down, letting your kids down their god down their employers down their friends down, but now they’ve lost this other person because what we know about lemon and what we know about affairs is typically they end and they end badly. So they’re now going through that grief process. So they are even in more pain than they were when they went in to the. So yes, your spouse is in pain. You might be thinking, but what about my pain. Your pain is just as important as your spouse is pain. Now I know when they’re going through all this pain in their life looks like a roller coaster. You are also in pain, but you’re doing the right things you’re working on yourself. You’re working on your pause. You’re learning to be a safe place and when you’re doing those things, you’re actually building emotional endurance. And you’re going to need it because at the end of all this. When your spouse goes through grief and everything’s over, they’re gonna need you to help them through their pain. You will get to that day where you can express how you feel and the pain that you felt as you were going through this process. But right now the focus has to be on them because they’re in a lot of pain.

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