So here’s a couple of tips for the unfaithful spouse or how to survive infidelity. First, you’ve got to stop the affair if you’re still involved in it. And you might need to find the help of a professional with the experience and infidelity recovery. I hope that you will commit to creating. What I call psychological, emotional and obviously physical safety. Commit to openness and honesty daily commit to personal accountability regarding your time, money spent and earned. Be available by phone for a check in when your spouse needs reassurance. Share and give access to all the passwords. Email addresses, bank and investment accounts in order to give your spouse the assurance that he or she needs. You’re probably going to need to be extra transparent and accountable for a season, be willing to do whatever it takes to restore safety and trust it will take time. And next take responsibility for the choices you made. Remember bad marriages don’t cause affairs, bad choices. Do and I also think conflict avoidance does as bad as your marriage may have been and as rejected.
How to get over someone cheating
You may have felt once upon a time it still didn’t justify betraying yourself and your spouse have the courage to own your mistake. And then take responsibility for your own recovery. One of the things that I’ve seen over the years is the best thing you can do for your relationship and your spouse is to work a good recovery program and that may include counseling, twelve step work or even hope for healing and that’s just to name a few of the options that are out there. You want to do the work because you want to do it because you want to get to the root of the problem and what caused you to take the path that you did over time, your spouse will start to feel safe again with you and both of you will then benefit from your hard work. And develop and communicate empathy, compassion, and care for your spouse. Find some way to express empathy and remorse to your maid on a daily basis. That you’re sorry for the pain that your choices and actions have caused them and that you appreciate that they’re still there willing to work through the trauma of infidelity with. And be able to express grief over what your actions have cost your mate. That’s one of the first and most important steps in moving beyond this betrayal and then be patient. In healing from betrayal, trauma going slow is going fast. Check in with your mate daily and ask how they’re doing. See if you’re made as triggered or having a bad day and just simply ask them, how are you feeling today. Are you struggling because our tendency when we see them struggling is to run the other way, but in recovery, it’s best to be a storm chaser. I think to run to them and create this safe shelter where they can share their struggle in their pain. Don’t blame or be defensive and usually defensiveness sounds like, yeah, if you hadn’t done this or if you hadn’t done that. But we often blame our mate and try to justify why we messed up and really what we’re trying to do is protect our image when we feel threatened, defensiveness and attempts at justifying our infidelity only adds to the fear and the hurt and the anger.
And for the betrayed spouse, practice expressing your feelings and thoughts without the destructiveness of rage. This one can be really tricky and especially difficult if you’re very early on in this journey, it may be somewhat easier if you’re able to maintain the perspective that anger and even rage is a secondary emotion and I’m not saying that anger doesn’t need to be expressed. But if that’s the only emotion you’re expressing, you’re going to run into trouble, talk more about the underlying feelings like fear and hurt and even shame that evoked the anger in the first place and second, avoid rapid fire questioning. Ask questions slowly one at a time and always ask yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with for the rest of your. And possibly have a reminder attached to it. I would encourage you to avoid comparison questions that pain a picture in your head. These questions create the intrusive thoughts that you will have to deal with later and possibly for months and years to come. Be curious if the questions you’re asking are helping you move forward or not. Be open to forgiveness next. This doesn’t have to happen fast or even right now, depending on where you are. But for your sake you want to occur at some point. I want to say that again, for your sake, you want it to happen at some point, don’t fall into the trap of believing that you can control your mate’s behavior by not forgiving them.
Healing after cheating
Remember, forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. Forgiving isn’t the same as reconciliation. It’s safe enough if they’re working hard, maybe reconciliation is possible. And it’s not a one-time act. There will be layers to forgiveness just as there are layers to your. Remember, forgiveness is not a one-time act. There will be layers to forgiveness just as there are layers to your pain, but just be open to it at some point in time. Another thing for the betrayed spouse to consider his grief work I don’t think gets talked about enough in this process, but I think it’s really important to allow yourself time and space to grieve and process all the losses, both big and small. Because to attempt to heal the marriage too quickly can be devastating and there will be setbacks, possibly even relapses, not just for the unfaithful spouse, but for the marriage as well. As my good friend leslie says, it’s not about the amount of time you give it rather it’s about how you utilize the time you give it. Now we’re going to talk about some tasks for the. I think it’s really important to find support. Try to find two people for each of you that you can both agree would be safe individuals for support. Having a safe place to process feelings apart from the marriage can be beneficial. It’s helpful for you to find someone of the same sex that you convince you and grieve with who’s safe for you and has your best interest and the interest of the marriage at. And your spouse is absolutely going to need a trusted friend or two where they can do the same thing if you don’t have these trusted friends outside of the marriage. Chances are the painful emotions are going to build up and overwhelm and come out in destructive ways and you’re going to continue to feel isolated alone and you don’t really need to do that. Second is separate the marriage from this train wreck of infidelity.
How infidelity affects your relationship
Remember, there is more to your relationship than infidelity. The betrayal does not rewrite your whole story and your marriage does not need to be defined by this trauma and although sometimes it may feel like it does while you can never go back to what you had. You do have the opportunity to create something better than you ever had. Another thing you’ve got to do is take time to talk about the marriage and about the relationship and the effects of this infidelity. One of the worst mistakes that couples can make is to stop the dialogue about the infidelity too soon. It will stop at some point it needs to. But you’ve got to be able to process through the effects of this infidelity. If you don’t. It will most assuredly stall your efforts to heal as a couple and create underlying dissension towards your spouse. Allow time for both of you to process what you are learning about yourself and each other and relationships and all that kind of stuff. Another really important thing to do is to plan time to have fun and enjoy each other even if it’s hard, give it a shot and. Give yourself a break at least once a week from talking about this twenty four seven. This is really a must, otherwise you’ll begin to feel like your identity and your relationship or just buy products of this infidelity. Remember, there is so much more to live, so try to find sometimes even if it’s just a few minutes at a time where you don’t discuss this. You hear a lot of talk about a fair proof in your marriage. Well, I don’t know that that’s really possible that you can a fair proof, your marriage, you can and you’ve got to a fair proof your own life. This goes for the betrayed spouse as well, who in many ways may be vulnerable for an affair if healing from the trauma after the fair is not completed. The unfaithful spouse needs to lead the charge if they are going to prevent relapse and eventually reestablish safety and trust for their main. It’s really important to remember that temptations don’t define us and behavior does not equal motive. We have to be willing to be honest about struggles and temptations and dangerous situations all around us understand that if your mate is willing to share something that they’re struggling with. Then your mate is choosing to keep the marriage safe rather than to endanger it by hiding struggles and weaknesses and secrets. Commit to the hard work of your marriage. Marriage is a lifetime of hard work. Be willing to put as much time into your marriage as you do into other activities or hobbies that you love. You may have heard rick say that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the street. It’s greener where you water it so be willing as a couple to talk about everything, be willing to honestly discuss areas where the relationship is at risk rather than just going through the emotions. You know autopilot seldom works in recovery.