Sometimes recovering from an affair can be tough. I think anybody that goes through infidelity probably comes to the point where they ask themselves or a qualified professional or therapist or great friend or someone they trust. And the question is. Is there ever a time where there is just too much damage. To try and recover from it’s a legitimate question. It’s a completely understandable question and it’s a question that reveals the agony that a betrayed spouse or an unfaithful spouse feels when they are surveying the area, if you are wondering, can we actually heal. I completely understand the question because it comes from a heart. Most of the time it really wonders. Can we heal? And I’ll tell you when you are bombarded with messages that are coming from people who are still angry, still bitter, still upset, still struggling in their own healing or their own recovery or still a victim from maybe their parents or someone they loved divorce or infidelity or difficult time. I have to tell you that the loudest voices are typically not always the most healed voices. The loudest voices aren’t typically the most recovered or restored voices. And it can be incredibly bombarding to hear nothing but once a cheater, always a cheater. You can never come back from that. They’re guaranteed to do it again, give up on him or heard they’ll never change. I mean, the messages are endless, right, that’s why we fair recovery works so hard to put out messages of hope, of encouragement, of perspective, of insight that gives you hope for your situation.
How to recover from cheating
Now we know every situation is radically different. I completely understand that, but here , the fair recovery we’re going to continue to give you hope for restoration, both personal and marital and the fact is not every marriage makes it not everybody comes out on the other side healed and restored and we understand that. We really want you to feel safe. And I really want to answer questions that are plaguing in many ways. Like, is there just ever a time where there’s too much damage. And here’s the answer now because I come from faith, I’ll say it this way. I don’t think that there’s ever anything that god cannot heal and if you don’t come from faith, I’ll say it this way. I don’t think that there’s a situation that you cannot heal from if you’re willing to do the work to heal, practically speaking. I have seen some people firsthand heal from things that are absolutely devastating. To give you examples, I’ve seen people who have had affairs and contracted sexually transmitted diseases and see their marriage restored. I’ve seen a fair partners unfortunately become pregnant and the marriage actually find a way to live with that and find restoration and healing. I’ve seen some incredibly devastating circumstances be healed and restored. Now, alternatively, I’ve seen situations that people could not come back from. I’ve seen time and time again stories where one spouse or maybe both spouses or partners were just unwilling to do the work. You’re not going to get a bunch of false promises here. But I will tell you at the core of my being. I believe if both spouses, if both partners are willing to do the work to heal, there’s nothing that you cannot heal from now. Inevitably there comes the question will sam are you saying every situation should be healed? And that for example, I as a betrayed spouse, should turn a blind eye to a refusal to stop acting out a refusal to get help continual abuse and violence. No, no, no, absolutely not. There are several instances where it would absolutely be wise for you to pull away. Seek safety and reconsider whether or not you should save that relationship. There are issues that you have to confront that sometimes someone doesn’t want to get help. Of course, any kind of domestic violence, of course, mental emotional abuse. Physical abuse and certainly if someone’s refusing to stop acting out if they won’t go get help if they’re refusing to go get help and they are just completely off the rails. There comes a point you have to say, is this situation safe for myself to be in and only you know that answer we can give you marker upon marker upon marker, but you have to do what you feel is right for your situation. But please don’t think I would ever tell you to stay in a situation where you could be harmed mentally, emotionally and certainly physically no matter where you’re at today. Then no matter what you’re facing. I believe you can be healed. Because I believe that if both people are willing to do the work restoration is absolutely possible.
I have a best friend. He has cancer, he’s dying. We’ve been friends for over a decade. I love him dearly. He’s one of my top five guys that if anything, were to go wrong in my life, I could call him and he would be wherever he needed to be and he’s really going through the ringer and he talks about how much pain he’s in. And. I don’t have time to go into all the details about his cancer, but we talk pretty much every day. We get together almost every week or every other week and he talks about the pain that has enveloped his life and the thing about pain and it has many parallels to what my buddy is dealing with. Is he talks often about how pain just really discolors everything and when you’re in pain, certainly from infidelity, it can discolor everything. It can discover all the relationships around you. Your job, your income, your finances, your health, your family. It can completely discolor so much of your life. You find yourself in raw agony and suffering. Another thing about pain that my body tells me is pain, just kind of saps you of your strength. It just steals from you when you’re constantly in pain, it’s so hard to get the energy that you need to even just survive to make a meal to take care of your kids to make a phone call. Sometimes pain can overwhelm you and suck the life out of you pink and also blind you when you’re constantly in pain, you become blind of the beauty around you. Sometimes you become blind of maybe how fortunate you really are. You become blind of maybe people trying to help you you become somewhat blind to things around you that are positive and are good and are helpful or you become blind to the fact that not everybody else is in pain and not everybody else is struggling, but it does mess with you. It causes you to see things so different because you’re overwhelmed with pain. Finally, when it comes to pain. I think one of the most telling things that parallels between the pain of cancer. And the pain of infidelity for both spouses is how disorienting it is. That kind of pain, that level of pain, whether it be physical or emotional or psychological or what have you. It can leave you extremely disoriented and it’s in that disorientation that you find yourself. With this palpable chaos, sadness and really just lost this, if you will, where to turn what to do, where to go, how am I going to survive, where is the hope that I’m so desperately looking for. It is one of the most incredibly disorienting experiences that a person can go through.
How to overcome the pain?
Now I’ve covered how disorienting, how painful how traumatising this can be. What do you do when you’re pondering the answer to this question, is there ever just too much damage? We’ve talked about the answer, but here’s some things that you can do. Number one, what help are you getting. I’m going to say this very straightforwardly today because I feel like whether it’s some of you that are new to the video blogger. Some of you that have been around for years or months. The fact is you can no longer afford to approach it. With just general care a couple of months ago, I blew out my shoulder really bad. I had some injuries to it and I had to go get some deep tissue massage to get even flexibility in it. And even in massage care, they have a saying called targeted care. That the therapist was using to get out so much pain in an extreme lack of mobility in my shoulder, you know in infidelity you absolutely need targeted care and I care enough about you to say, look general care. It can kind of maybe get you through a little bit here little bit there. But my friends, if you are asking yourself. If there is too much damage, the last thing that you need is just a general approach, you need targeted care. Next, and I think. My final point for you today. Is that you cannot do. The work that your spouse or partner needs to do if we do all that we can do. That’s only half the battle. We have to ask our spouse or partner to do their own work, both unfaithful orbits rate. Now I know when I say that there’s immediately to some of you betrayed, you might think, samuel, I didn’t cause his affair. He needs to go do his work. She needs to go do her work. They have to do their work. I didn’t cause their affair. Amen brother or sister, you are absolutely right. However, here’s the rub. You didn’t cause their affair. But they did have an affair or an addiction. You’ve been traumatized. You may not know it. You may know it very well. Your work is absolutely essential for you to heal many times I hear. The statement, you know what they need to go fix themselves. Absolutely, but you have to care for yourself. You have to heal yourself of the trauma you’ve been subjected to as a betrayed spouse, male or female. You absolutely have to do your work to heal. I think some of us do this. Some of us say I’m going to do so much work. I’m going to be so great. I’m going to be so healed that my spouse doesn’t really have to do very much. I’m going to work so hard and be so healed, so strong. So awesome even though in the back of my mind, I know that they have to do their work. I’m going to take it on myself and I will be super healer. I will heal myself and I will do as much healing as I can and my healing will spill over into their life and magically they will be healed as well because I have done so much work and then that person does that and does that and does that and just expends so much energy time and effort to heal themselves and they get into a good place. But yet their spouse or partner won’t do their work and it does not happen by osmosis that spouse betrayed her unfaithful, absolutely has to do their work. You cannot do it for them and you can’t do so much work that they automatically just by osmosis are healed and changed and restored personally as well. I wish it worked that way.