Did you ever asked yourself “Why do people cheat in relationships?” That’s why I wanted to talk a little bit about the most common reasons that people cheat in relationships and how to take this information and use it in the healthy way to strengthen your relationships that you can avoid being cheated on. But not in a way that’s just overwaiting being cheated on or manipulating. Somebody did not cheat on you, but to actually understand the mechanics of why these sorts of breakdowns happen in relationships in the first place and then how to develop really healthy habits so that you don’t fall into this category relatively with somebody. Now I want to start by just saying first that of course, there is a a component of people. A portion of people that are chronic cheaters in relationships, okay. So we’re not really addressing that. But I would say that’s roughly about five percent or less of the population and usually that represents the uniqueness of a person’s needs in the situation.
Maybe they’re not really cut out to be in monogamous relationships and it’s not for them, but they are maybe trying to be there or have the expect expectation of themselves to be there or else we can also talk about people who struggle with sex addiction and that in and of itself is so related to a lot of psychological challenges and and really trauma that’s important to dissect and open up and understand. So when we do talk about that I make and make a whole separate video on that in and of itself. But usually people who are struggling with sex addiction, it’s not just about the physicality of sex. Of course, there is a neurochemical. There are the neurochemical components of sex. But usually this person who’s actually struggling with that to. Um struggles a lot with like profoundly unmet needs to feel wanted to feel secure to have a regulated nervous system where they’re okay like being present with themselves and their emotions where they feel like they’re comfortable in a state of being rather than always having to be doing or stimulated or up-regulated because that’s their sort of sympathetic comfort zone. Sympathetic nervous system comfort zone um being invited flight all the time. But then also that individual having like really strong needs for novelty um um attention approval, feeling validated and usually it’s because of really deep wounds where there’s a lack of validation, lack of attention and attorney that that child needed when they were a child in in their childhood and now as an adult. Those wounds are there that the subconscious is driven to try to correct, but they can only really be corrected through reprogramming the internal relationship to oneself regulating a person’s service system anyways that I’ll make a separate video about that because there’s a way out of that.
Unmet needs as a reason of cheating
The most common reasons people cheat are that there are unmet needs. And in monogamous relationships there are unmet needs and individuals don’t know how to talk about them. And so here’s what happens, right? We have needs as human beings and our subconscious mind is a needs meeting machine. And so what happens is those commonly unmet needs are needs for novelty, for exploration. For feeling wanted valid similar to the things that sort of mirror what we talk about sex addiction, but those those being in extreme forms um and and these being more relational, right, that person struggling in the relationship to themselves and having a traumatic imprints there. And in these cases, in our interpersonal romantic relationships. The needs just being unmet over time in the context of a relationship and this can happen for so many different reasons that are just human reasons. You can stop being as present with each other and not giving each other attention because both of you got a new job or both of you have to pick up a second job or because you are suddenly in a long distance relationship with each other or because you just had newborn children or. You know there can be so many like human reasons that these things happen. But the the reason that the breakdown happens where it leads to cheating is that it goes like this. Those needs are there unmet again, usually to feel approved of wanted reassured, present. Attuned to cared for or having novelty exploration. And rather than the person knowing that consciously it’s this subconscious feeling of lack that eventually usually turns into a subconscious feeling of resentment because we expect our partner who maybe once met those things to be the meter of those things this person is supposed to meet them. Why did they stop. And we subconsciously sort of start to attach blame to that person and that becomes the justification people use to then stray outside of the relationship.
The power of conversations
So what happens is there’s sort of like the unmet needs, the unawareness like the lack of conscious awareness about specifically what that unmet need is or set of unmet needs are then not knowing because we don’t have that information ourselves that’s consciously registered to be able to give that to a partner and communicate and say, hey, I’ve got this unmet need. Then we resent and we start justifying and then the subconscious mind, which is a needs meeting machine and is designed to get your needs met when somebody else comes along externally that represents those unmet needs and really speaks into them. It’s easier for the subconscious mind to stray. So these tend to be like the path that I’ve seen over and over and over again as to why people cheat, but that these are solvable problems when you have the right context. And now people will often say things to me, like. Well, what if I’m seeking novelty? But I’ve been with the same person for fifteen years then you do novel things together. You go on a trip, you try different things together as a couple in in all areas of the relationship, mentally, emotionally, physically. In in all forms, right, sexually being also physically. You talk about these things. You have conscious conversations about these unmet needs, but it starts with each person identifying that within the relationship to self and if you find yourself being somebody who infatuates with somebody outside of your relationship to use that as feedback to be like, oh, well. What specifically am I infatuated effect infatuating about, is it that the person makes me feel really seen is that the person makes me laugh like whatever those things are, those are the things that are not being met enough in your romantic relationship if you are romantically or sexually attracted to them in an external relationship and that’s for you to have a dialogue about for you to take that information like a golden nugget. Be like, oh, this is interesting. And then discuss that with your partner and create habits and strategies to work on that together. And if it seems exploration, right, what’s the new thing you can do go for a road trip, carve out time to date at a new restaurant to have a new conversation. So just seeing that like these things are solvable problems, you might be used to getting the need met in one old form and maybe it’s in a different form now, right, maybe it’s trying something new by having a new type of discussion by learning something new together by you know joining a new hobby or club together. Like there’s always a way, but we have to first make that subconscious information conscious. Figure out what it is, bring it to the table, have a vulnerable conversation, communicate. And then strategize how we can work on it as a unit. Now if you are somebody who struggles with trust being broken in a relationship, cheating infidelity and anything that’s happened to you already. I highly, highly, highly recommend this is the process I used in my private practice with couples over and over and over again and help them resolve this issue at the root we have of course called how to repair broken trust and overcome jealousy and there’s a module at the back that the whole course takes you through like first reprogramming your internal trust baseline the subconscious imprints that were left because of broken trust so you don’t have to carry that with you and you can heal from it individually and then if you want to try repairing the relationship exactly the steps that are needed because it’s a sticky situation and we don’t want to just pretend like everything’s okay and just shove it under the rug and try to move on. That’s called repression. We want to actually be able to solve for the root problems, have the exact. Validate, validate each other’s feelings. The needs have context for why this happens and solutions for how to solve for it. Anyways, it lays out all these steps directly for how to go through and solve for this problem.